" I miss her too. Don't worry. She's watching over us. She won't let us down." Can you do the prayer thing, Ollie?" I don't want to right now, Sis. Co...e on." Please, Ollie. It makes me feel better."I sighed."Okay, fine." Thanks, Ollie."I said the little incantation without much emotion. I'd said it hundreds of times and the words had lost all meaning for me. I wasn't eleven anymore. But Sissie still hung on to her beliefs, so I did it for her."Momma, up in heaven, watching over Sissie and me,. It became apparent she was O.K. with conversing. We did the usual chit-chat: What do you do? What brings you to this town? Etc.We had a very nice conversation, but began to run out of things to ask about - that wasn't too personal. Finally, she asked "Well, what's the next thing for you tonight" I indicated there were 2 possibilities: 1) go to my room and work, or 2) go to my room and find something with which I could amuse myself. The latter was to evoke a response of some type from her. She. I've always said that to be transgenderI would have to be completely unhappy in my male body, and certain that afemale body was exactly what I wanted. The trouble was that I wascomfortable as a man, I didn't prefer being a man, but I didn't hate it.Now in my mid-20s, I've started seeing myself as genderfluid. I had comeout to a close friend, telling her all my struggles, how I felt, and whenshe presented the word 'genderfluid' I pretty much latched onto it. I'dlove to be a girl, but I don't. We speak English around them, although Mother and Father both think they should be taught Japanese, too. Everyone asked about the trip and what I had done over the extra two days I was away. I deflected questions from the children and my father, but my mother instantly knew something was up. I only hope my own matronly intuition is half as keen when it comes to dealing with my children. She would never say anything to me, especially not in front of my father, but I knew she would ask me in.
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